10 Ways to Make the Bartender Think You’re a Douchebag

Your friendly hosts at Vice Lounge Online are prepared to give you tips to help the bartender slot you into your coveted "douchebag" rating.

Everyone wants to impress. Alas, some people choose to impress in true Guido style, with volume and obnoxiousness and a wit that most other adults left behind in junior high. Typically attired in a dizzyingly bright array of too-tight pink, tribal tattoos and glittery jewelry, one particularly egregious species of  partygoer — homo douchebagicus — often leaves an “impression” on waitresses and bartenders alike. If you one day dream to be on your own MTV reality program, do not despair: Your friendly hosts at Vice Lounge Online are prepared to give you tips to help the bartender slot you into your coveted “douchebag” rating.

Helpful Tips

  1. Crack witty jokes, like “shaken, not stirred.” Bartenders love this, and they hear it so infrequently that they will likely show their appreciation with a long pour.
  2. While you’re at it, ask for the long pour. Let him know you’re paying for it, so he shouldn’t be stingy.
  3. Down a shot of Johnnie Walker Red then brag loudly about having tasted the “good shit.”
  4. Fondle your waitress. This makes her feel pretty.
  5. When you class it up with a Scotch order, make sure you order something nice like The Balvenie (“BAAL-veen”) or Laphroig (“LAFF-rog”) or Auchentoshan (“AUCK-ten-o-stan”). If a hot chick is listening, make a joke about whether the Muslims “brewed” the AUCK-ten-o-stan then laugh loudly at your own humor.
  6. Ask the bartender what his favorite drink is. When he tells you, let him know it’s a pussy drink and then demand another pitcher of PBR. This helps establish your hipster roots if you lack the “tell” of ironic facial hair.
  7. Tip a dollar a round. Let him know there are more tips if he “hooks you up.”
  8. Stake out your spot at the bar and aggressively defend your turf. Chicks dig alpha males, even when their collars are popped.
  9. When you need more alcohol, demand immediate service. Complain loudly when it takes more than 60 seconds to get attention.
  10. Throw peanuts or citrus slices at your “brahs” to lighten the moment. Don’t worry; the gay waiter you’ve been mocking will pick it up.

Beloved readers — do you have any additional tips?

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About jason

Jason is the principal of Gillikin Consulting, a business-media and ethics consultancy based in Grand Rapids, Mich.